Go Ask Alice
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I’m a 44-year-old guy that’s been in a committed relationship with another male for eight years. When we first met we both made approximately the same amount of money. Over the years his salary continued to increase while mine remained the same and, at times, even shrunk. He now makes about 10 times what I make. Since we are as close to being partnered as legally possible in our state, one would think that his good success would somehow translate to mine too. Sadly, that is not the case.
He is driving an expensive car, while I am still driving the 10-year-old car I had when we started living together. He is out with friends most nights or traveling and does not invite me along. He buys himself expensive clothes and gadgets and still expects me to contribute half of the expenses in our now larger home. Our sex life is still good but he no longer compliments me or gives me the affection he used too. He calls me lazy and fat and yet I am working full-time and taking care of all the household chores. When I ask him what is wrong, he tells me I am nagging him.
I’ve invested so much love, time and energy into keeping this relationship healthy and working. I love him and don’t want to lose him.
What do I do?
“Pensive in the South”
It sounds to me like your partner has let his success go to his head. He is enjoying all of the bennies making that sort of money brings with it, probably not so unusual. And yes, I agree with you; his success would be your success if he felt committed to you.
You mentioned he calls you lazy and fat. I find his statement demeaning and this girl would never put up with abusive talk. But I get it, you love him and do not want to rock that already unsteady boat. I wonder if you may have let yourself go a bit in the eight years you have been together. Regardless you have to change the way he views you.
Get yourself into the best possible shape you can, starting NOW. Get a makeover and look gorgeous; feel gorgeous. Take on some hobbies that create passion in you and will not have you sitting home waiting on him. Never nag him BUT tell him you are going to hire help in the house to take over the household chores (so you can have some fun) and you expect him to pay, than do it. Get out into the world – be as exciting as he is. I think that is the kind of partner he wants and perhaps that is what you both were at one time.
All of us tend to get into a rhythm when in a long-term relationship that takes away some of the heat and mystery – a shame really. You can bring that back. Do whatever you need to in order to feel confident in yourself rather than feeling like a house frau. No need to tell him, show him! It is this confidence that will have you feel like an equal partner in this relationship and act like one. Be busy, do not be available for his every little need and whim. He needs to desire you again. When he see’s you as enticing, he will treat you differently – you will see.
Take charge of yourself and your life. No matter how this relationship turns out, you are no ones errand boy. You can be the amazing man you are. Never let anyone take your power away.
I wish you the best. I would love to hear how things progress.
Much love, alice