The conversation about love, dating and relationships has been going on for as long as men and women have walked the earth. There are songs, movies, books and many college degrees dedicated to this very subject.

I believe the challenge is that we, as humans, are all so different. What works in one situation does not make sense in another. This site is dedicated to people who are looking for relationships or are in relationships. There is so much to write about on the other topics but I will try and stick to my views relating to those who are looking for love. My weekly columns will cover many topics from online dating to tools to improve an existing relationship to my pet peeves in the area of dating and relationships. Although it is not my intention for this to be a “Sex in the City” type column, some of my personal life will show up. How can it not?

The tabs on my site are as follows:

Alice’s Rants is my column. I will write about all things relating to dating and relationships. I have a lot to say from my way too vast experience in this area and from what I see around me. I pay attention to the actions of others, as well as my own. I have done a lot of dating; online and off and I will discuss both. I will also try and help you make sense of why people act that way!!! There is an endless amount of discussion to be had, there has been since woman uttered her first word (according to men that IS the problem). And, of course, men and women think so differently, react so differently to similar events. I have “interviewed” (well interrogated) many men and women throughout my dating “career” to gain insight for myself, and now for you. Many of my columns are relevant in reverse (the man is perplexed by the woman’s behavior) and also in the gay community. For the sake of ease of reading, my columns will be worded in woman/man scenarios.

Go Ask Alice is an advice column. You can write in your questions for my very honest opinion. I have the ability to see both sides and believe in win/win. It is far better to have that grand relationship than to be right. But do be prepared to hear if he/she is just not that into you. I am forthright.

100 Frogs “100 Frogs” is a book I wrote about a six month period in my life when I was extremely vulnerable. I chose the, very interesting, world of online dating to get myself back into life. This “journal” brings you into my life as I learn lessons, make discoveries and yes; date date date. Written in 2007 and released in late 2011, “100 Frogs” is currently available for download to electronic readers, tablets and computers. Here you will learn more about the book, read reviews, how to purchase and find out how you can download first 30 pages for free.

Enjoy, have fun and do feel free to contact me with any comments you may have
at alice@muchadoaboutdating.com

Yes, yes we are!

There is no doubt the majority of people we meet have been hurt in some form or another.  Whether from as far back as their childhood or from the last person they loved and everything in between.

The question becomes how deep are the wounds? Is this person able to be in a healthy, whole relationship? None of us wants to find ourselves falling for someone who cannot find his or her way to healing.

And if WE are that person, can we see how we might be able to view the world differently? Move beyond that which stops us?

There are so many people with stories of pain and despair. Some are sinking into a hole while others are finding their way out. What makes some people more able to find healing for themselves?

Because they know they can!

You cannot change another; you only have control over your own thoughts and actions. It is up to you to become the person you want to be with. We do attract that which we are.

One of the many books I love is, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. He says if you live by the following four statements you can transform your life and feel freedom, happiness and love. Of course the book explains these statements in detail but perhaps you can see just how profound each of these statements (agreements) are:

1 – Be impeccable with your word

2 – Don’t take anything personally

3 – Don’t make assumptions

4 – Always do your best

Seems simple, yes? Not so! I work very hard to pay attention to my actions and my words. I believe, with all that I am, if I can live by these agreements I will always do and say the right thing. Alas, I am but a mere mortal and so I fall; sometimes for a moment, sometimes for days. But I always find my way back to this place I like to call GRACE.

At first you may have to pay attention to your actions so often it will make your head want to spin off; and then you must do it some more. In time our actions become more aligned with who we want to be and so we are not bombarded so much. Yes, Grace indeed!

This next statement is very important, pay close attention. We MUST forgive our past – this is so crucial. As long as we live in our past hurts (from others or ourselves), we will never find peace. Those who have “hurt” us have been hurt too. It really isn’t personal.

As we get better at being who we want to be in the world we will no longer allow ourselves to be in the presence of those who treat us disrespectfully. We will find freedom, rather than pain, in setting them free.

It is all about how you FEEL. Choose to feel good, know your value. It is our birthright to be free, at peace and yes, even joyful!

It is my intention to post a page of resources for personal growth, as well as for couples that need help. For now here are some Authors to take a look at. They all have websites and offer free information and show video clips etc.:

Don Miguel Ruiz, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Neale Donald Walsch, Esther and Jerry Hicks (Abraham)

Now get to it – claim your birthright!

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Dear Alice:

Years ago l fell in love with a lady who was kind, wonderful, social and poor. l had economic problems too. Under her parents’ pressure and poverty and maybe she found him attractive, she married a rich man. l couldn’t forget her though later l met another lady who I liked very much. We separated because she wanted to be dominant over my family, my friends and me. Now l can’t trust anyone. Perhaps I’m wrong but l usually get disappointed in life. l never meant to hurt anyone but sometimes some people misunderstand me. Thanks to meeting dear friends on the Internet l feel strong and important again. Am l wrong trying to make different friends around the world to keep peace and harmony and to socialize? What should l do to find true love?

Your friend from another continent

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Dear Friend:

This question actually speaks to my column this week, Are We All the Walking Wounded.

You, like many people find they cannot trust again after being hurt. I understand the dynamic well. But if we are not willing to take risks, we will never find rewards. In fact if you are not willing to open your heart, you will only be disappointed when you meet someone who might want that from you. A woman will not wait forever if you cannot love her the way she needs. It takes great courage to open our hearts again, but there is no other way.

Although having friends on the Internet is a great way to be social and feel loved, it does not take the place of a living, breathing woman by your side.

Rather than spending so much time in front of your computer, find passions in real life that include being around others. You may meet someone that shares your interests and a friendship grows into a great love affair. I DO advocate using the Internet to meet woman as well, but make sure you are always looking for women who are looking for the man that YOU are. And Please, no long-distant romances. The Internet is a breeding ground for this practice that can only lead to heartache.

I would suggest that you take a look at this weeks column and work on yourself. Learn to see your value as a man. You are not a victim; do not view yourself as such. Let go of the past and know that each day brings many surprises with it. If your heart is open and pure, I believe you will find your lovely woman.

It is part of the human condition to want to bond with another on an intimate level. There is no greater pleasure or gift than to find true love. We all search for it.

It is good to keep your eyes open and look for those red flags when meeting new women. They usually show up quickly and then you can move away and look elsewhere.

I wish you all good things. I can tell you are a good man and know you will find love when you are ready and willing to take that plunge.

In love and light, alice

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Dear Alice:

I am a very attractive man in my late 30’s. I have been in a relationship with a gorgeous 47 year old woman for a year now. This is her first serious relationship and I am very much in love with her. She tells me she is in love with me too and we have the best time when we are together, every weekend and many times during the middle of the week.

Last week she told me she loved me but was starting to think about straying. She has been with quite a few men, all with great bodies. She said she really missed being with a man in such great shape. I am about 15 lbs overweight and don’t exercise. But I feel good about myself and my body. She has never even brought this up before, why now? I am frantic she may leave me and also feel embarrassed getting undressed in front of her. Is there any way to keep her from straying or breaking up with me? I am devastated by this admission.

John

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John, I am so sorry you have to feel bad about yourself in any way. Stop it! You felt confident before her admission there is no reason for that to change. This is an interesting dilemma as usually people start looking to stray because we may change AFTER being with them for awhile. But she met you this way and fell in love with you this way.

The good news is, she has not strayed. She talked to you about this first and I admire her for that. It is very hard to tell someone you care about something you know will cause them discomfort.  Clearly she does, in fact, love you.

She has not been in a long term relationship until now so you obviously have many characteristics that make her very happy. I also believe she may have an unrealistic view of the men she may meet at her age. Unless she wants to continue to have meaningless affairs with younger men, she is not going to meet too many hard bodies out there. Maybe she will see, that in order to have a fabulous relationship with a man who loves her (and she loves) she will have to compromise on some things. And seriously? 15 lbs???

As I see it, you have two choices:

You can leave things as they are and pray for the best. I suspect, though, you will suffer every day wondering when the gauntlet will fall. Not a great way to live.

OR

You can discuss this with her. Communication is so key in maintaining a great relationship. Maybe she just had a moment but does not really feel that way as whole. A year is a good amount of time to be together. I cannot imagine she would have stayed with you for so long if this was a deal breaker. Find out what is really going on with her. Perhaps it is something entirely different and she is using your weight as a reason to find fault with the relationship. Remember, she is not used to being connected to someone for so long. Talk to her, find out what she is thinking.

If, in fact, she needs you to be in better shape to stay interested and you want to be with her, then get to it!

You can get yourself on a healthy eating plan and shed those 15 lbs in no time at all. “Dieting” under pressure is not easy. Do not go on a crash diet trying to lose quickly. They don’t work long term; you will not be able to keep the weight off. Take a look at what you are eating and make some changes. I suspect you will find that you only have to make a few changes to lose that weight. Look on the internet for exchanges of foods you are eating that may be high in calories.

If you want to add a little muscle to your body, this also does not have to be a huge ordeal. There are many exercises that target certain areas of the body. Again, look on the internet for a few things you can do at home. Find out what she really likes and target those body areas. I think once she see’s you lose even a couple of pounds and feels confident you will continue on, she will love you even more for doing this for her.

It is imperative that you relax. Do not feel crazed as you take each day to a healthier and leaner body. You will also be thrilled to discover that when you take certain foods out of your diet¸ you will have more energy and feel better in general. You are doing this for yourself as well.

You can do it AND feel great about yourself along the way. Uh, I can see things getting even friskier in the bedroom!!

Many people would say she should love you for who you are. Great in theory, but would you rather live with her or without her?  I say, if we love someone and can do something to make them happy than why not? We can make changes for a loved one while still being true to ourselves. They are not in opposition to each other.

But again, find out what is going on with her. Remember, communication and compromise, for the both of you!!!

In love and light, alice

I am going to tell you the story of a couple I know. I watch them in wonder of what they are; what they could become.

Jonathon and Sydney met a little over a Year and a half ago. He was still smarting from the demise of his last relationship with a woman he loved deeply. She didn’t appreciate him and, quite frankly, treated him badly. It definitely scarred him.

Jonathon and Sydney are so different in so many ways and each had never dated anyone like the other. And yet they were so drawn to each other, they saw something there. As they got to know each other, they got used to the differences and saw all the glorious qualities that the other had. It is often times the differences that bring growth and excitement into our lives, yes?

Like many couples, they also had to learn to live with those annoying little habits in each other that can drive one mad. I sit here smiling at some of the polar opposites that these two are. I believe Sydney has had an easier time letting go of these personality “tidbits” than Jonathon has.

Jonathon, I believe, is still trying to make peace with some of his past. He is smart, funny, interesting and has depth he is not even aware of. He finds Sydney an enigma but very sexy (damn those pheromones). He wants to make Sydney happy; he really does. He is reserved and tends to keep his feelings and emotions vaulted. Maybe he doesn’t even know how he feels much of the time.

And Sydney; she is open and playful and wants to laugh and find joy with all things. In her, almost, child-like approach to life she can be a bit excitable. She is wise and yet so innocent all at the same time. She is really quite adorable but a bit of handful for a reserved man. And that girl definitely creates challenges by making Jonathon talk to her.

They have had their little problems, like all couples do. They have learned how to communicate well during this past year and a half. I find them very impressive in that regard.

But now I see they are at a bit of a crossroads. Sydney is a woman who definitely see’s her value in the world. She loves Jonathon and has accepted all of his little quirks and eccentricities. They seem small to her in comparison to all he has to offer her; to all the joy he brings into her life. She has no need to point out every time he does a little something that could be irritating.

For her, there is just one thing on her “Must Have” List that she is struggling with. Jonathon cannot seem to accept her exactly as she is. She does not feel solid in her relationship with him. She needs to know it is safe to give him her whole heart.

And Jonathon, he admits he struggles with one part of her personality that grates on him. He loves her, but yeah she is right, he is not in a place where he can promise her a future. “Why can’t you just enjoy the present with me?” he laments.

From my view: they support each other in all things, they enjoy each other’s company, they are proud to be with each other and proud of each other, they are the best of friends. And the chemistry between them is off the charts. Why are they struggling so?

Sydney, Ah Sydney. She is driving Jonathon crazy – she wants to understand. We women!!! We need to understand! She believes by now he should know if he loves her enough to work together towards a future. She pains over the fact that a part of who she is drives him batty. It makes her sad that she has to “watch” herself when she is with this man she loves so very much.

I suppose if I was to give them my advice, which they have not asked for (I don’t think they read my column anyway – FRIENDS!!) I would say this.

I do think after a year and a half, grown adults should know if they see a future with someone. That doesn’t mean they have to rush into it, but certainly by then you know what you can and cannot live with about each other. By then, I would think you might have a plan in place.

I would suggest to Sydney that she choose a timeframe to see where things go. I think six months is certainly enough. During that time she MUST refrain from bugging Jonathon – no more asking him if he loves her enough. Discussions to enhance and add growth to the relationship are good, but no more talk of what the future might bring. When those six months are up than Sydney can take a look at the relationship and see. If Jonathon still does not view her as the one, than I would have to guess she is not THE ONE.

And for Jonathon? No need to beret yourself for how your feel. We cannot help that part – it is what it is. I wonder if you met Sydney when you were not quite ready to fall again. I wonder if you are still not ready to fall again. But maybe it is that you really do not love her in the way that you want to love a woman. That is for you to know and for you to decide. If you DO love this woman than embrace all that she is. Appreciate all the wonderful things that she offers you and let the rest go. No need to remind her every time she annoys you. And by all means, take the poor girl out of her misery and tell her she is your great love! But only if you really feel this way, don’t ever say anything that is not the truth.

I wonder sometimes why it all seems so hard.

I will re-iterate what I have said before. All of us, as humans, need to feel valued and loved for who we are. That is not to say we don’t take a look at some of our behaviors (that aren’t working for us) and look towards growth. A truly great relationship takes work: it doesn’t just happen. If you love each other, find ways to show it – to give that other person what they need. If you don’t love someone, than set them free.

I will continue to watch as this love affair unfolds – better than a romance novel!!

There is a great distinction between compromising in a relationship and settling for less than we deserve and desire.

We all have basic needs that MUST be filled. These needs will be different for all of us. It is when you are willing to put aside your needs to be with someone that you are settling. It is that simple.

The hard part is in knowing what your needs are. I often talk about the “MUST HAVE” list (see writing a profile I). It is here where it is important to know what you must have to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. So get off your butts and make that list.

Compromising is a different animal altogether. As humans, we are basically selfish and want everything to be our way. There is no way two people can co-exist, in any sort of relationship, if they are not willing to make concessions.

So how do you tell the difference?

Let’s say one of your needs is for financial security and you find yourself with someone who is unwilling to pull their weight financially in the relationship (or incapable).  You are settling. Ditto, if you MUST HAVE a mate with positive energy and are dating a very depressed person. We cannot and should not be trying to change people. They are as we meet them and that is that.

Now, let’s say you find yourself in love with a man/women who is a little OCD about cleanliness. Is it that difficult to put your dishes in the dishwasher or put your clothes away when you take them off? That would be compromising.

Italian or Chinese for dinner? I have seen couples have serious arguments over this very thing. Insane? Yes, yes it is.

We will have to compromise, perhaps a lot as we find our comfort together as a couple. There is budgeting (time and money), what and when to eat, activities to share and do alone, chores to divide and on and on and on.

It is important to make these compromises without resentment. Feel good about giving these small things to the one you love. Learn to communicate in ways so you both get your equal share and feel good about each other.

If you were to ask any couple that has successfully stayed together (and in love) for any length of time what the magic formula is, compromise (and communication) would surely be on that list.

If you are unhappy in your current love situation, take a look at this area. See if you are settling and if you are not, where you can compromise to bring greater love and harmony to your relationship.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Dear Alice,

I have noticed that I am one of those people that never know when it is time to get out of a relationship!  I always stay longer then I should because I tend to worry about what the other person is feeling.  The time can turn into years.  I am always sacrificing my own time and happiness to make sure I don’t hurt them.  So I opt to stay miserable to appease them.  It seems to be a pattern.  How do you suggest this pattern be broken, and what is the best way to tell a person it’s over without worrying about hurting their feelings?

Sincerely,

Prolonged

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WOW, I get asked this question a lot. I wish I had some magic formula that worked for all women but alas there is no such thing.

Let’s face it, women are complex and there are as many different personalities and desires and needs as there are women.

I do believe, however, there are certain behaviors that most women appreciate during the dating phase and once you have gotten that lovely to fall for you.

The first date is crucial. It is your one chance to show who you are and what a woman can expect from you as time passes.

Of course you must be yourself, you do not want to hook a girl only to find out you are not a good match further down the road. Do not take her to an expensive restaurant if that is not your style or to a trendy club if that is never going to happen again. Pick a place and activity that is telling of who you are. Hopefully you have had enough discussion prior to this date to know you enjoy many of the same things.

There are some guidelines I think will help:

Dress appropriately for the date. We women notice everything from the top of your head right down to your shoes. You show yourself at your best on the first date, and hopefully after as well!

The date itself will go how it goes. If you like this lady and can tell she feels the same, lock in that next date. Women like to know when they will hear from you or see you next. This idea of waiting three days to call after the first date is hogwash. Maybe ask if she would like to see you the following weekend (or whenever) and let her know when you will call to confirm the date. And then CALL on that day.

Also, a lovely kiss at the end of the evening goes a long way in securing she is aware of your interest.

I typically drive myself to first meetings with men. I love when he asks me to text him when I have arrived home safely. Definite points on that one.

During this beginning phase of dating, a text/email/call once in awhile is nice and shows you are very interested. But do be aware too much of this can be a turn off. No texting or calling early in the morning or late at night. And please refrain from sexual innuendo until she gives you the green light, UGH!

I would also suggest that you let the women lead the way as it pertains to sex. Great kisses are ever so wonderful but beyond that do not push. She will let you know when she is ready. A man who cannot wait for a woman he is highly excited about is a man who is not really looking for a relationship (in our eyes).

Now some time has passed and you and Miss Wonderful are in an exclusive relationship. I believe you must always “court” her a bit (without overdoing or acting clingy). No matter how giving and loving your woman is she needs shows of affection from you. This does not have to be some huge grandstand. The small but consistent things work best. Remembering she has an important meeting and texting her a good luck wish that day. Tell her she looks beautiful when she dresses for you. A little gift or note just because you are thinking of her. A sweet kiss or touch as she leaves for the day. Listen to her when she expresses a need/desire and give it to her. No matter how busy you are, never forget about her.

Women need to feel adored and appreciated. Once a woman feels taken for granted things go down hill (I believe the same holds true for men).

Look, if you care deeply for someone you will want to make them happy. I strongly believe in honest discussions, letting our beloved’s know what we need from them. Many people do not know how to talk without getting upset and hence why men hate these talks so much. There are wonderful books on this very subject. Read some!! Learn how to talk to each other and listen to each other with love. I find it interesting how people have no problem reading a book to learn something new, but not how to have an amazing relationship with the woman/man they love??? Go figure!

I also strongly believe when we remember why we fell in the first place and treat each other with the gratitude we feel for having each other in our lives, we will do the right things to show it.

It really comes down to this: are you willing to be generous with your heart and show her you love her!

That’s what women want….

Hmmmm, maybe next week – “What Do Men Want?”