Go Ask Alice
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I loved your book and enjoy reading your columns. You seem very open and non-judgmental which is why I feel able to come to you with my question. My husband and I (both in our late 40’s) are working on bringing back the passion to our sex lives now that the kids have all left home. He has suggested swinging. We went to a party for swingers at a nightclub. We talked to a lot of the couples and they all seem so happy. I enjoyed the party and meeting the people. While a part of me feels curious and even excited on some level, mostly it doesn’t appeal to me. My husband is pushing me to try this and I do want to please him. I just don’t know. Aren’t there other ways to add some excitement to our sex life?
Thank you for the nice compliments. I am open and non-judgmental. I try to answer all questions based on what I feel is best for the people writing to me. This is a rather risqué question but I have a feeling you are not alone in this dilemma.
So your husband wants to try swinging, does he?
I have met people that swing. I have met couples where both love it and couples where one does it for the other (even though they would rather not). Typically, when a couple embarks on this journey at least one of them gets hooked and wants to make it a way of life. Often times one in the couple wants to stop but the one who got hooked cannot. This is a terrible position for a [once] happy couple to find themselves in.
You should not do anything that makes you uncomfortable in any way. And your husband should not push you. He is being selfish and putting your relationship in jeopardy if you succumb without being entirely excited about swinging. For most this is a fantasy that is better left as that (a fantasy).
Perhaps just going to these parties once in awhile would appease him. While in bed you could talk about the people you met that entice him and what it might feel like to be in bed with them. Just the talking about it can be a great turn on for many people. Perhaps at some point in the future you will want to try it, but that should be your call and your call only.
There are so many ways to bring excitement into your bed without including other people.
If your husband has fantasies about being with other women, try wigs and different personas. This can be great fun for you; to let yourself go and find those places in yourself that are different from your normal self. You can be anything you want and everything he desires.
Some other things you might want to try are:
Meet at a nightclub. Pretend you don’t know each other and let him pick you up and have a “one night stand” at a hotel.
Have sex in the car – even if it’s in your driveway.
Take him unexpectedly. Ravage him the moment he walks through the door.
Go to a strip club with him. Watch him get a lap dance.
These are just some suggestions. You should discuss this with him and ask what other things would turn him on that are within your comfort zone.
I know you want to please your husband but I am certain you will resent him if you do anything you are not comfortable with. I believe if you and your husband have an open and honest discussion, you can come up with many sexy things to do together that will satisfy both of you.
And thanks for adding a little spice to my column!
Feel free to email your questions to email@example.comQuestions should be detailed but may be shortened (or re-worded) for the column. All questions used become the property of Alice Badler.