Go Ask Alice
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dear Alice,
I have noticed that I am one of those people that never know when it is time to get out of a relationship! I always stay longer then I should because I tend to worry about what the other person is feeling. The time can turn into years. I am always sacrificing my own time and happiness to make sure I don’t hurt them. So I opt to stay miserable to appease them. It seems to be a pattern. How do you suggest this pattern be broken, and what is the best way to tell a person it’s over without worrying about hurting their feelings?
Sincerely,
Prolonged
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Dear Prolonged:
This is a great question as I am sure everyone has found herself or himself in this very position at least once.
Here’s the deal, there are really two reasons why people “stay too long at the party” once they are sure they are done. One is, as you mentioned, you do not want to hurt the other person. The other reason is that we do not want to deal with what we know will come. The phone calls and texts: The crying and begging.
First let’s talk about not wanting to hurt someone and so we stay. When we stay with someone, we are wasting/stealing their time. The sooner they get over us – the sooner they can move on and be happy again. You are not doing them any favors by staying. In fact you are harming them, as well as yourself.
How do you break things off without all the hysteria? Well, you will probably have to deal with some crying and their discomfort. But, if you do not give them any reasons to come back with an, “I can change”, it will be a shorter conversation.
Just tell them the truth, that you are no longer in love with them. I know it hurts to hear that but what else is there to say? If they ask you why, tell them you don’t know (even if you do). Again, do not give them any reason to be able to beg you for another chance or tell you they can change for you. Be loving but be empathic. Do not leave any room for them to believe there is hope of getting back together. Let them go!
There is no reason to feel bad. We cannot help the way we feel. If we go through life doing the right things and with integrity, we are still going to hurt people’s feelings along the way. It is just the cycle of things. People come into and out of our lives and sometimes we get hurt too.
I hope this gives you a different view on things and you will no longer waste another moment of your life or that of another.
In love and light, alice
